If I could cry right now...

...I would. I've been so numbed by this semester that I can't cry anymore. I can't even force it out. I'm so stressed out right now I could use several good cries. Instead I lay in my bed trying to force myself out of it in only partial success. I have so much work ahead of me from now and the end of the semester. Trying to catch up on work with one class only to get behind in others. And my situation from the previous post, though better, still weighs on me. I don't know what to do anymore.


I'm a sad panda.

Walking :: Ben Kenney

if i didn't have this anger i'd be everything you're looking for
i'll pretend it didn't kill me when my heart is laying on the floor
it doesn't take a lot to cut me down to size
it doesn't take that much to leave tears in these eyes
back to the start and when will it all end?
(maybe i can get it figured out)
back to the start and when will it all end?
(cause these feelings i can do without)

if your daddy didn't leave you would you still be so afraid of me?
and when other people see you do they see the you you try to be?
it doesn't take a lot to cut you down to size
it doesn't take that much to leave tears in your eyes
back to the start and when will it all end?
(maybe you can get it figured out)
back to the start and when will it all end?
(cause these feelings you could do without)
back to the start and when will it all end?
(maybe i can get it figured out)
back to the start and when will it all...end?

if i didn't have this anger i'd be everything you're looking for

I don't know, for some reason I've definitely been feeling the first verse of this song. I've never really had a song I could relate to or have just hit me the way this song does. It's a bit comforting.

Life as I know it....

Life...well, life is kinda weird right now. Classes are going as planned I guess. Just trying to hold on long enough to graduate. I think I really need to get out of this place. With all the good things that have come from this school, mainly all the people I have met here and the friendships I've forged herein, but I find myself constantly fighting myself in a constant internal struggle. Mainly fighting in my head about why I'm still here, why I can't do better in my classes no matter how hard I try, and why my luck in terms of finding a girlfriend has been absolute shit in a handbasket these last four years. I think the mixture of these three has been eating at me these last few months.

Saturday morning I woke up and I felt so depressed, I could have broke into a flood of tears for no reason at any moment. It was really fucking scary, I had never felt that way before. It was almost like a bipolar episode. If it weren't for the fact that a friend of mine was coming to pick me up and hang out later that day, I don't know what would have happened. The fact that I live in a single would not have helped matters. This room has been my fortress of solitude more than a home this entire year.

I think the main thing that has been weighing the heaviest on me as of late is the whole no girlfriend deal. As years have progressed I've noticed myself having more and more trouble finding those of the opposite sex I can relate to. Maybe it's because I'm really picky about who I want to get to know and be close to. Well, if my track record serves me right, my filtering system sucks ass. I've been most afraid of having another Carla on my hands. I told her how I felt about her, then shortly thereafter because of a strange series of events our friendship came to an extreme screeching halt. Nah, more like a brick wall in the road I didn't see coming because I was busy talking on the phone. So far, the only females I seem to be attracted to are ones that are taken, ones that are mentally unstable, and ones that have very low standards (read: enjoy the company of the human equivalent of baboons.) As of late, a strange random mix of the three. I just feel like I can't win. Maybe I should be like one of those asshole baboons to get attention. Oh, wait...I actually care about people's feelings. Should I just stop caring? Somebody tell me something.

Now that I have properly ranted, maybe I can get some work done.