Life as I know it....

Life...well, life is kinda weird right now. Classes are going as planned I guess. Just trying to hold on long enough to graduate. I think I really need to get out of this place. With all the good things that have come from this school, mainly all the people I have met here and the friendships I've forged herein, but I find myself constantly fighting myself in a constant internal struggle. Mainly fighting in my head about why I'm still here, why I can't do better in my classes no matter how hard I try, and why my luck in terms of finding a girlfriend has been absolute shit in a handbasket these last four years. I think the mixture of these three has been eating at me these last few months.

Saturday morning I woke up and I felt so depressed, I could have broke into a flood of tears for no reason at any moment. It was really fucking scary, I had never felt that way before. It was almost like a bipolar episode. If it weren't for the fact that a friend of mine was coming to pick me up and hang out later that day, I don't know what would have happened. The fact that I live in a single would not have helped matters. This room has been my fortress of solitude more than a home this entire year.

I think the main thing that has been weighing the heaviest on me as of late is the whole no girlfriend deal. As years have progressed I've noticed myself having more and more trouble finding those of the opposite sex I can relate to. Maybe it's because I'm really picky about who I want to get to know and be close to. Well, if my track record serves me right, my filtering system sucks ass. I've been most afraid of having another Carla on my hands. I told her how I felt about her, then shortly thereafter because of a strange series of events our friendship came to an extreme screeching halt. Nah, more like a brick wall in the road I didn't see coming because I was busy talking on the phone. So far, the only females I seem to be attracted to are ones that are taken, ones that are mentally unstable, and ones that have very low standards (read: enjoy the company of the human equivalent of baboons.) As of late, a strange random mix of the three. I just feel like I can't win. Maybe I should be like one of those asshole baboons to get attention. Oh, wait...I actually care about people's feelings. Should I just stop caring? Somebody tell me something.

Now that I have properly ranted, maybe I can get some work done.